Erm: Imaginary Boyfriend from Mockbeggar Hall
by Het Up
Summary: According to Glinda, the Gillikinese cannot be tricked, cajoled, threatened, or beguiled into doing anything they don't want to do. Gen.


Elphaba gently fondled a chain of cut-out paperworks that hung around her and Glinda's shared room in mild defiance of Shiz's regulations against pleasure faith decorations. Glinda meant well; she obviously just liked the way it looked. The ceiling had also been victimized by a Yunamata mosaic. Despite the lack of any cultural unity, the room had something intrinsically Autumn about it. Glinda had done a good job.

"You know Galinda…" Elphaba began.

"Glinda," the girl in question corrected.

"Glinda," Elphaba conceded. "You know, I was just talking to…" she searched her voluminous memory for a friend that was not, by extension, a friend of Ga… Glinda. "A friend of mine," she finished lamely.

"That's so exciting," Glinda said without a hint of sarcasm. "You're making friends!"

"Yes. Yes, it is exciting." Conversely, Elphaba suspected that her appendix would burst with unvoiced sarcasm. "I was telling… him-"

"You have a boyfriend!" Glinda interrupted with an excited squeal.

"Yes, it's wonderful. We're ever so happy together. May I finish?"

Glinda drew closer to Elphaba, her attention focused like a ray of light through a magnifying glass. She remained apprehensively silent.

"I was telling… Erm," here Glinda muffled a new squeal, "that you are one of the most charitable people I know," and here Glinda nodded sagely. "He disagreed."

There was a beat of stunned, open-mouthed silence on behalf of the Gillikinese, which Elphaba fed into awkwardly. She favored the mortified Glinda with a smile, as if to soften the blow.

"Well, Elphie," Glinda (who recovered as if nothing untoward had been said) said with the air of a practiced lecturer returning to a favored subject, "the path of love has many turns, but I wouldn't recommend against disassociating with this 'Erm.' However, I will forgive you if you want to settle for him."

"There is another option. You could prove that you're a charitable soul…"

"Why would I want to prove anything to someone who doesn't like me?"

Elphaba ignored the logic of this, since it was said by Glinda. "You'd be being a good friend."

Glinda got the unfamiliar sense that Elphaba wanted something from her other than to be left alone. "You are trying to cajole me," she announced, "but it won't work because I'm too clever for you."

Elphaba dropped the pretenseful overture. "Alright. I want your help in organizing an Animal rights festival."

"Animal rights?" Glinda repeated, slightly aghast. "Must you pick such a cause to be a student about? Not… feeding the Vinkus or lengthening the Munchkins…"

"Or we could do something important."

"What's there in life that's fun _and_ important?"

"There's more to life than fun."

"There's also more to it than… than important!" Glinda protested exasperatedly.

"Name me one good reason not to fight against Animal oppression," Elphaba said in that dead tone she got when she wanted a discussion to be over and herself declared the victor without further delay.

"It'd be unpopular."

"One _good_ reason."

"That's the goodest reason of all!"

"Dr. Dillamond. You think he didn't deserve our help?"

"He's one of the good ones."

"Have you ever met one of the bad?"

"Oh, I don't know what to think!" Glinda declared, swooning with hand to forehead and eyes closed.

"That's the problem!" Elphaba stood up and, taking Glinda's head in her hands, shook it gently. "You never know what to think and thus you never think what you should!"

"What a malady!" Glinda lamented.

"Come to the festival with me. It'll be good for what ails you."

"Fine," Glinda agreed. "But I want to meet your boyfriend. I'm going to give that Erm a piece of my mind!"

* * *

Glinda was surprisingly disappointed in Erm's non-existence and retaliated by attempting to sell Elphaba on every eligible bachelor at the festival. This distracted her from the Lamb costume she was forced to wear. It did not do a good job of distracting her.

"I am not entirely clear how dressing up as an Animal illustrates that humans and Animals are equal," she lied.

"Universal brotherhood," Elphaba answered by rote. "Being a girl on the verge of womanhood, if far away from any sort of maturity, you should realize that people other than yourself have thoughts, feelings, emotions…"

"Really? Because I've been studying you and I haven't noticed any."

Elphaba narrowed her eyes. "Maybe I don't let you."

"I wish you would. Then you could realize that people other than yourself have minds."

"I haven't noticed any."

They gently broke apart, Elphaba to bring out some refreshments and Glinda to hobnob with some fellow girls who were persuaded not to leave. When next the roommates met, the festival was winding down under the omnipresent glower from Madame Morrible's window. A few stray balloons broke free from their bindings and Elphaba watched them inexorably raise.

"We seem to be somewhat short with each other lately," Glinda said, holding the head of her costume under one arm.

"Yes. It's odd. I would've thought that level of harshness beneath me."

"You could've just asked for me to come to your festival. I would've said yes."

"I wish sometimes that I trusted you enough to believe that."

"Me too," Glinda said as she went back to their room.

Elphaba followed her. "I owe you a favor, in case you want anything from me," she said; a peace offering.

Glinda nodded in approval. "Double date," she said unequivocally

Elphaba breathed through her nose before nodding. "I don't suppose I'll get a chance to meet my executioner beforehand?"

"I can't speak to that, but his brother is a true gentleman in every sense!"

"Oh, joy. That's high praise."

"You recognize it? Given that you have so little of it for anything, I'm surprised."

"Yes, constantly, I'm sure."

"The moment my head hits my pillow, I am going to dream that you are utterly without a smart word to say in response to my verbal missives."

"Good. When that happens, you can be certain that you're dreaming."

Having reached their dorm room, Glinda sat on her bed and said "What will you dream of?"

Shrugging, Elphaba began changing into her nightclothes, long having trained herself not to feel inadequate in comparison to Glinda. "I don't know. I never remember my dreams."

Glinda pulled her covers over herself. "Well then, I hope that they are so horrible you shan't mind forgetting them, or that they're so pleasant that the wake of their passing leaves a feeling of happiness behind."

"Good night to you as well. And pleasant dreams."

"As always."


End file.
